Relationships are hard work.
Anyone who’s been in a relationship for more than six months knows this. There’s plenty of advice out there that you’ve heard at least 100 times.
However, there are probably a few things you’ve either never heard of or forgotten about. One of these forgotten items might make a huge difference in your relationship.
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Consider these top 10 relationship rules:
1. Choosing a partner is a serious matter.
Choosing a life partner is a pivotal decision that can greatly influence one’s life journey. The importance of this choice is often underestimated, especially in the age of fleeting romances and quick commitments.
Think about the profound impact a life partner has: they become your closest confidante, your support system, and often the co-parent of your children. This relationship demands immense trust, understanding, and compatibility.
The repercussions of a hasty decision can be dire. For instance, a divorce not only leads to emotional pain and turmoil but can also bring financial stress, disruption in children’s lives, and social consequences.
It’s not just about romantic love; it’s about finding someone with whom you can build a life, face challenges, and grow. For example, imagine investing years with someone only to realize that you have different life goals or incompatible values.
The heartbreak, the time lost, and the challenges of untangling intertwined lives can be immense. Hence, it’s crucial to approach this decision with thoughtfulness, clarity, and maturity.
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2. Learn from your past.
Understanding your past can provide valuable insights for your future, especially when it comes to relationships. By reflecting on previous experiences, you can identify patterns, make necessary adjustments, and choose better paths.
a. Self-awareness and personal growth:
For instance, if you’ve often felt insecure in past relationships, it’s essential to ask yourself why. Was it due to personal insecurities, or were there specific triggers in the relationship? By understanding the root causes, you can work towards personal growth and seek partners who help foster your self-confidence.
Example: After reflection, Alex realized that he often felt overshadowed in his past relationships because he dated very dominant personalities. He worked on building his self-confidence and decided to look for a partner who appreciated his strengths and allowed him to shine.
b. Identifying Patterns in Partners:
Often, people are drawn to a specific “type” of partner. While it’s okay to have preferences, it’s also essential to question if the “type” you’re drawn to is healthy for you.
Example: Sarah noticed she consistently dated emotionally unavailable individuals. This reflection allowed her to understand that she was seeking validation from partners who couldn’t provide it. Armed with this knowledge, Sarah worked on her self-worth and decided to seek partners who were emotionally present.
c. Overcoming Relationship Challenges:
Each relationship comes with its own set of challenges. By understanding the difficulties you faced in past relationships, you can devise strategies to handle them better if they reappear or avoid them altogether.
Example: Mike and Lisa often fought about finances in their past relationships. In their current relationship, they decided to maintain open communication about their financial goals, regularly review their expenses, and even attend financial planning seminars. This proactive approach ensured that they navigated potential conflicts with ease.
In summary, your relationship history is a treasure trove of lessons. By reflecting on past experiences, you can cultivate a deeper understanding of yourself and your needs, paving the way for healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future.
3. It takes years to really know someone.
To genuinely understand and know someone involves more than just being aware of their likes, dislikes, and general behavior. It’s about comprehending their core values, witnessing how they react in various situations, and seeing the consistency or change in their actions over time. Personal growth, experiences, and time tend to reveal different layers of a person’s character.
Example:
Consider the relationship between Amy and Jake. They met in college and instantly hit it off. In their first year, they enjoyed a myriad of fun activities together, from hiking trips to movie marathons. They thought they knew everything about each other, especially given the amount of time they spent together.
However, five years down the line, they faced challenges that tested their bond. Jake lost his job, and Amy’s mother fell ill. It was during these trying times that Amy realized Jake struggled with handling stress and would often close off, whereas Jake noticed that Amy had an undying spirit of resilience. They also discovered the depths of each other’s support systems and values during hardships.
While the initial years gave them insights into each other’s hobbies and surface-level habits, it was only with time and through shared experiences that they truly understood the depth and intricacies of each other’s personalities.
4. No one can read your mind.
“Nobody possesses the ability to intrinsically understand the intricate workings of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions without you conveying them. Humans aren’t equipped with psychic abilities, and thus, expecting others to know our desires or grievances without verbalizing them is an unrealistic expectation.
In relationships, personal or professional, open communication is pivotal. By withholding our feelings or thoughts and then expecting someone to ‘know’, it is an unfair burden to place on them.
Instead of making assumptions or harboring frustrations, it’s healthier and more effective to share your needs openly so people can understand and possibly act on them.”
Example:
Imagine Sarah and Tom have been in a relationship for a couple of years. Sarah has recently been feeling overwhelmed with work and personal life but hasn’t communicated this with Tom.
Instead of talking to Tom about her feelings, she becomes increasingly distant and irritated. When Tom forgets to do a small chore one day, Sarah gets disproportionately upset. Tom is taken aback, wondering why such a small oversight would upset Sarah so much.
If Sarah had communicated her feelings to Tom, he would have been in a better position to understand and support her. Instead, Sarah assumed that Tom should “know” that she’s been feeling overwhelmed, leading to miscommunication and strain in the relationship. This example underscores the importance of open communication and not expecting others to read your mind.
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5. No one can fulfill all of your needs.
It’s unrealistic to expect that one individual can cater to every single need or desire you possess, whether emotional, physical, intellectual, or spiritual.
This is akin to expecting a single tool to serve every purpose, from cooking to carpentry. For instance, while your best friend may provide emotional support and companionship, they might not share your passion for rock climbing or understand your professional challenges.
Similarly, a romantic partner might offer love and intimacy but might not fully grasp your academic pursuits or spiritual journey. Hence, a well-rounded life often involves a network of relationships, each contributing to different facets of our well-being.
Depending on just one person for everything is not only burdensome for them but also limits your own experiences and growth. Embrace the diversity of relationships and connections, and recognize the unique value each one brings.
6. No one is perfect.
Understanding that perfection is a myth helps us approach relationships with more realism and empathy. Everyone has flaws and imperfections; it’s a fundamental part of being human. Expecting someone to be perfect is unrealistic and sets the relationship up for failure.
Example: Sarah and John have been dating for several months. John sometimes forgets dates that are important to Sarah, like the anniversary of their first date.
Instead of focusing solely on this oversight, Sarah also remembers the times John made her laugh when she was down, supported her in her career, and showed up when she needed him most.
By recognizing John’s positive qualities and not expecting him to be perfect, Sarah ensures a balanced view of their relationship. She communicates her feelings, they work on solutions together, and their bond becomes stronger. If she had only focused on his flaws, she might have missed out on a meaningful connection with him.
7. Avoid getting into a relationship to solve your problems.
Entering a relationship with the hope that it will solve your personal problems is a recipe for disappointment and can place undue pressure on your partner.
A healthy relationship should be built on mutual respect, trust, and love, not as a means to fix one’s insecurities, loneliness, financial woes, or other challenges. While partners can definitely support each other during tough times, it’s essential that each person can stand on their own and manage their own challenges.
Example: Consider Jessica, who feels incomplete and struggles with low self-esteem. Instead of seeking therapy or self-improvement avenues, she jumps from one relationship to another, hoping to find validation and happiness from a partner.
However, this often leads to dissatisfaction, as no partner can continually fill that void for her. Over time, her relationships become strained because of her heavy emotional dependence on her partners.
If Jessica had first focused on addressing her self-esteem issues independently, she would be better positioned to enter a relationship for the right reasons and not as a means to fill a void.
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8. It’s hard to take back unkind words and actions.
Words and actions, once uttered or done, are like arrows shot from a bow; once they’re out, you can’t take them back. No matter how much you apologize or regret, the memory of those words and actions can linger in the minds of the affected individuals.
This is why it’s crucial to be conscious of what we say and do, especially when we’re feeling emotional or upset. Expressing ourselves without considering the potential impact can lead to strained relationships, regrets, and a negative atmosphere. Even if forgiveness is extended, the scar might remain. It’s akin to mending a torn piece of paper; even if you tape it back, the tear is still visible.
Example:
Imagine two close friends, Sara and Lily. One day, they had a heated disagreement about a trivial matter. In the midst of their argument, Sara, out of sheer frustration, blurts out, “Maybe that’s why no one ever wants to be around you!” Even after the argument is settled and Sara apologizes profusely, that particular statement stays with Lily.
Every time she feels lonely or doubts her relationships, that comment resurfaces in her mind, making her question her worthiness and likeability. Even though Sara genuinely regrets her words, the damage is done, and their friendship isn’t quite the same afterward.
9. Your partner’s friends and family matter.
In any relationship, it’s not just the connection between two people that’s important. The broader network of friends and family that surrounds your partner can significantly impact the dynamics of your relationship. Embracing, understanding, and respecting these external connections can bolster trust and deepen your bond.
Why It Matters:
- Support System: Just as you have your circle of friends and family, your partner has a support system that has been with them through various phases of their life. This network has influenced their experiences, decisions, and values.
- Shared Moments: Birthdays, holidays, weddings, and other celebrations are often shared with close friends and family. Being part of these events can help you understand your partner’s history and traditions better.
- Trust and Comfort: By making an effort to know and respect your partner’s loved ones, you’re indirectly showing respect and love for your partner. It can be comforting for them to know that you value the people they hold dear.
Example:
Imagine your partner’s best friend is someone they grew up with. They have shared countless memories, from school days to traveling together. While you might find the friend’s humor a bit off or their habits different, it’s crucial to recognize the bond they share. Instead of avoiding the friend or making dismissive comments, engage in activities they enjoy together, ask about shared memories, or find common ground. Over time, this effort can lead to mutual respect, if not friendship.
By doing so, not only do you demonstrate maturity and understanding, but you also ensure that your partner doesn’t have to choose between spending time with you or their close friends and family. Remember, integrating well with their circle can enrich your relationship and create a harmonious environment for both of you.
10. Always remember to treat your partner like they’re the most important person in your life.
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s easy to overlook the significance of the person who stands by your side through thick and thin. Many times, we’re so caught up with work, responsibilities, and other stresses that we inadvertently neglect to show our partners the appreciation and love they deserve. Shockingly, we often find ourselves offering more kindness to casual acquaintances than to our partners.
Example: Consider two scenarios. In the first, after a long day at work, you come home and your partner has forgotten to do something you asked them to. Instead of understanding, you immediately snap at them, questioning their reliability. In the second scenario, a colleague at work forgets a task you assigned them. Instead of getting angry, you calmly remind them and ask if they need any assistance.
Notice the disparity in reactions? Why is it that we’re sometimes gentler with acquaintances than with our own partners?
It’s essential to consistently remind ourselves of the value our partners bring to our lives. A simple act, like leaving a sweet note for them to find or taking a few minutes out of your day to ask them about theirs, can work wonders. These actions reinforce the message that they are cherished.
Furthermore, disagreements are natural in any relationship. However, the way we approach these disagreements defines the health of the relationship. Instead of resorting to accusations or harsh words, approach differences with an open heart and a willingness to understand.
Example: Imagine you’re upset because your partner didn’t consult you before making a significant decision. Instead of saying, “You never consider my feelings!” a more constructive approach would be, “I felt left out when you made that decision without discussing it with me. Can we talk about it?”
Always remember that it’s not about agreeing all the time but rather ensuring that both partners feel valued and heard. In doing so, you create a bond that is not just based on fleeting feelings but on deep respect and understanding.
Neglecting your relationship can have catastrophic consequences. Relationships require monitoring and maintenance to survive and thrive. Dust off these forgotten tips and put them to good use. Your relationship will be stronger and more satisfying for both of you.
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